help me to overcome it..

my struggle..

I always found myself listening to other people’s concerns, like struggles in life, problems and worries. I always found myself lifting them up, encouraging them, and comforting them. Yet when it comes to me, I always found myself sitting alone at the corner of the dark room-not relating my experiences to others. No one knows the 98% of my struggles, problems, worries and heartaches, but the 2% of it-just the basic part of my experiences.

Why I found it arduous to open up myself to others, yet so easy to listen to other people’s openness? In fact I enjoyed it.

I came from a family not open to each other’s lives. Keeping my self-isolated from them is what I always did. Locking my self-alone in my room is the best way and place I could think of to express my true self and my feelings. Reading is my all time favorite past time since I started to read the first letter of the alphabet. Sharing is out of my system, being open is not one of my qualities. No doubt I grow up quiet and shy. When I am alone I pour all my time in writing, reading or imagining things I wanted to happen in my life.

I used to live a lonely life. I can bear to live a day without saying a word. I sealed all my secrets in my heart. I have no conscience in sharing when everybody does. Not even a twinge of guilt felt.

That’s me, and I kept that attitude over the years of my life, and somehow until now. Nevertheless, always wished I can open up myself to someone (except Jesus, I always did that to Him, however, it seems different if I can open it up to the person sitting in front or beside me), not withholding a bit. Every bit of my story will be told. I want to get out from my nutshell and be free. I want to experience the feelings of sharing my life. I wonder what the impact would be inside. I also yearn to show my self to the world who I really am.

As for now, I’m still struggling from my dilemma. Praying that the Lord will give me strength to fight this hesitation I felt inside and be bold about myself.